Have you ever wondered where God is in so many situations? Have you ever contemplated your place in Him or had to battle against demons you didn't even recognize?
I feel I'm stuck in a battle lately, one that I do not understand. I have had so many moments lately where I feel I have forgot I am a Christian. I have forgotten God on many levels and have failed brilliantly at loving Him. I wallow in the mud of my self-pity and dross.
I have felt broken and stolen. I have been rocked and brought so dearly to my knees.
Moments in my life over the past few weeks have changed me though. God has shown up in my eyes and heart, though I was never searching for Him. He has reminded me of Himself.
Last week, I led a mission trip with jr. high youth. It was challenging on many levels. One thing we did throughout the week was called "Yay, God!"s, where the students had an opportunity to share where they had seen God working in the day. When I was drained from lack of sleep and pushed to the limits, I had a "Yay, God!" moment. My group had gone to a nursing home and I worked with this woman named Lois one afternoon. Lois and I shared some ice cream and then she asked to go outside for a little while. I pushed her into this little courtyard and we stopped and looked and smelled roses. Then Lois turned her eyes up to the sky and she said, "Sometimes you just have to look up and let the wind blow around you." She noted that she always loved turning her eyes upward for that was enough to help her through. It was a sweet and tender moment that reminded me to turn to the Lord. Her words were so profound.
After that, Lois and I headed up to the chapel. They had a service right at the end of our volunteering time, and so I wheeled her there a few moments early. Lois and I were the only ones there, except the chaplain, who came over and told Lois the songs they were to sing. She mentioned the hymn "Holy, Holy, Holy" was one they would sing that day. This was Lois' favorite hymn. She took extreme pleasure in singing it to the Father. At that moment, she started singing the melody to herself and began tearing up. What a searing memory that is in my mind. I had much to learn from this little moment about God and my walk with Him from Lois.
I was exhausted from the week with the kids, and this past weekend did not make catching up any easier. I continued to wrestle with some of the thoughts and questions I was having. This morning, God brought some Scripture to me. My devotional reading this morning was Lamentations 3:19-24. That Scripture says:
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my sould is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (TNIV Translation)
I have sinned. I have transgressed. I have also confessed my iniquity to God and I have hope in the forgiveness brought into my life by Jesus Christ. Hebrews tells us that God is faithful, though we are not, because for Him not to be, would be against His character and being.
I praise the LORD that His is always faithful, will never part, though I wrestle in this "body of death." I am thankful that He has called me mine and will never leave or forsake His covenant with me. "How deep the Father's love for us."
Blessings.
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